scrapheap.blogs

Trust Your Gut!

Date: 23.12.2025

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"...as 20 years has gone on, I decided overtime that, it's best to move on and find something else..."

This is going to be more more of a blog to where I try to explain myself on some of the decisions I’ve made as of recent. The reason I believe I should do so in this case is because: lately I’ve been trying to push myself to do more work with some of the things I’ve been meaning to push myself to do, but I’ve been doing it so much that, it was very taxing on the body. I want to genuinely preface this hard, very hard in fact: I am no where near a perfect human being, no one is, and I’m not going to say that I’m a saint or whatever, especially since this is a blog that I run generally speaking, if I say something that does not vibe with some people, or whatever, then this is not the blog for you. I’ve always wanted to have a blog to where, I could say what it is that I want and not have people censor or filter out what it is that I’m saying, and I’m not gonna sit down and say I’m big onto politics or whatever, because I’m not. I’ll give an example here: I was never a supporter of Israel or Palestine, nor was I ever a supporter of fucking Russia or Ukraine, as a matter a fact, there has been shit that I’ve seen out there, that literally tells me what’s going on in the front lines as we’re speaking, and putting in little blimps on our websites, or putting on little pins on our shirts, or whatever, tells me that: all of that bullshit is cosmetics, and if you were to donate money to “what’s going on in the conflict.”, or whatever, you’ll realize that, the minute that, the money gets sent, it get’s siphoned elsewhere by a massive percentage.

I’ve known about this since I was in school, that donations don’t really go anywhere in terms of where you want 100% of it to go to (Just World Fallacy), and a lot of information suggest that, less than 50-85% of your donations that you send to donation bins out there mostly are just pocketing your money, and paying off their workers with the donations you send to them. There’s not much you can really do about this, other than maybe try and go to congress to change legislation on this, but I doubt this will work, because congress is all up on this; Charities and Donation groups generally speaking, because of the papers they file, do not get taxed by the government… if at all, and while people are getting privy to the mega-churches, just about any charity or donation group you can find out in the US is essentially a money siphoning scheme, taking advantage of your less than better judgement to donate to “the right cause” when, again… you should just question them, and ask for sources if anything, and if they’re unwilling to, then you should just… not donate (Opinion: The point I'm trying to make here is that: if your the religious type and actually read and go by what the bible says, you shouldn't go to the churches as mentioned because, while they speak towards the word of the scripture, they don't act upon what they mean or read, and instead, use the word of scripture, to get their own means of monitary gain, which is essentially giving into the sin of greed at that point; Not all churches are perfect , but there are some that you can actively avoid now in days, especially when you see what they do). That’s even the issue I’m even viewing that I’ve been seeing on repeat: comedians on YouTube will make videos saying that the government wants you to donate to like “Great Causes”, but then not use that money to help bolster the people, and help them out when there’s a need to, like, we’re literally in a government shutdown, and have been since the beginning of October, but we still get braindead fucks on reddit, discord, and twitch, telling people that “You have do donate to this cause, because it’s great…” giving into multiple fallacies at once, mentally manipulating the populous, and then have people like Hasan rant about how we should “Kill The Opposition” or whatever, or screaming for the deaths of certain individuals, while he talks about how great socialism is, under his million dollar mansion in California… Do you not understand the fucking hypocrisy going on right now? Like, Hasan literally blew up recently, because he used his shock collar on his dog, and people were defending him and shit on it, and my ass is like “If it was a vibrating collar, your dog wouldn’t have yelped the way it did.”, and you can’t say I haven’t had animals around in my life like… ever, I’ve been around dogs, cats, birds, we just got a ferret added to the new family just last year, and the only thing I could think of when it came to Hasan, doing that to Kaya was “Dude’s using a shock collar on his dog, and is trying to hide that shit.”, like it’s too fucking obvious to note, it’s not a “Right-Wing Conspiracy Theory”, especially when you have receipts and proof that shows that the motherfucker is hiding it and lying about it, like if anything, people saying bullshit like that, don’t know what the fuck a “conspiracy theory” is, and are just using that to grasp at straws if anything. I don’t know, if anything, I’m not the kind of person to really go out of my way to talk too much about politics, since anything I see in politics now in days is just the same carbon copy form of it as anyone else, like I don’t like having to listen to anything Fox News Related, since a lot of the time Fox News is just nothing but right leaning propaganda, but that’s with any news source if you ask me.

Anyways, skipping all of that, let’s get into some of the more important topics.

Why did I change the Website Layout?

So for those of you that don’t know, I was going to college for Graphic Design, and I had wanted to go to college right after I had graduated high school, because I was mentally manipulated by multiple people above me when I was younger, to actively do it, because I would “succeed” in life if I had done so. I had went to Independence University, up until it’s closure in 2021 (It had closed on the first day of the month I was supposed to graduate), then I had to move ship, find some other online colleges during the pandemic, because no one was willing to go to college physically while during the pandemic, and I ended up going to Miami International University of Art and Design the month after the fact, and got my Bachelor’s Degree in Graphic Arts on March of 2022… The college would then shut down on the 30th of September, 2023… To be completely honest, I went to university, hoping to find a better life for myself in the future, and then I ended up not getting anything, and now I’m a sitting duck, waiting to find at least something, but no one told me it took more than just a degree to get fucking something out of life. Apparently, in order to find work, if you could find any graphic design work in this economy, you would need to go out of your way to work for a graphic design firm, and find job gigs, and potentially do graphic design work for free (Which by the way, who tf wants to do design work for free? Houses, electricity, food, clothes, water, etc., that shit don't come free, so why should I have to do design work, FOR FREE?! Respectfully, you have to be on crack to think that I'm gonna do design work for free.), just to justify calling yourself a graphic designer under any capacity. It is safe to say that: I was sold on a lie, and I did not like this one bit. The original intention of me getting a graphic design job, which I don’t think I’ve ever told my parents ever, was to be like a freelance social media kind of person, working on like ads, and working on like YouTube channel designs, and streamer layouts and shit, because, when I was in high school and middle school that was like the biggest shit out there.

I knew about ads, like not just digital, the physical ones, and all that, but I wanted to seek more towards digital layouts and shit, and wanted to focus on more of an online sort of dig, rather than a physical dig because I saw that: Physical print and all that was essentially a dying bread that, I thought that when I got older, would probably just end up dying out… It kinda has, it just depends on the medium you’re referring to.

Billboards are… kinda a thing?… (They're realisitcally a thing outside of the cities)

Magazines, and Books are more of a thing to where: people only buy that stuff to collect, and I’m one of those people*, so it’s practically a dying thing, considering you can just buy or download .pdfs of the same book for free. More-so books than magazines, people that buy mags will literally just leave them on the shelf after a couple of seconds of reading the front cover, or you’ll just buy them, and commit to like paper waste regardless (Even though I do believe that: If you're worried about paper and providing back to the environment, you're just fucking stupid, and there's always going to be another person out there that's going to be impossible to convince to stop using paper "for the environment).

Nobody I can think of subscribes to Periodicals, especially since that shit has moved to like Email Periodicals… Ain’t nobody reading that shit.

Comic Books are more for collectors, like books, but more so for Comics than traditional books.

Phone Books are like… dead, not many people use phone books and I doubt people who are younger than my by majority know how to use a fucking phone book, let alone what the point of a phone book is. I’ve used one before, it’s not hard to use a phone book.

Press Kits… are not a thing anymore. They used to be just printed media, to where a company would just come out and print something for people to read on what they’re going to release soon… Now all of that is done on social media.

Marketing Collateral… Again, most of what you see on those things now in days, can just be posted on social media.

The only things I could think of that are still surviving because, people blindly still buy that shit it:

Posters, for the same reason people buy comic books.

Post Cards, it’s like all a formality thing. I’ve used Post Cards before, I don’t really care for post cards if you ask me.

Promo. Products; you’ll usually see those issued to like fans of like a musician or whatever, or a company that’s selling you some shit.

Outdoor Media, you can kinda see that stuff, here and there, but mostly in like urban areas of the world. Like billboards on the highway count, but outdoor media is not really a thing, unless you go out.

Product Packaging… Is not really a thing anymore? I mean it depends on the product and what service it’s providing to the general populous, but most product packaging I’m seeing now in days are ones to where the physical media is meant to be created to consume, literally, and physically, rather than like… TV shows, or video games, to where everything now is digitally stored in a box, that withholds that data.

Point of Sales Displays… You don’t see those anymore, and I genuinely think that PoSD’s are not really a thing because, a lot of people will just push to get that thing ‘for free’ no matter what, to which all I have to say is that: you can literally look up Karen freakout videos on YouTube.

I knew right away that: a lot of physical media was not going to be a big thing. Like, in the past, I have tried to find work under news sources, and every time I have, I’ve been told through the fucking phone numbers to go fuck myself in multiple ways, and then all of a sudden, even before that, I would get some people that would try and “help” me to find the job that I had studied for excluding family, that’s different. I’ve all but given up on this prospect a long time ago, because I was consistently promised to do certain things, like to get certificates, to get work done, to get all these other things done, and I would succeed in life, etc, etc… and all I got was shit in my hand. Every time I was offered something, I was told to literally go fuck myself, and it’s why I’ve told my grievances previously on certain sites, like Reddit, Facebook, LinkedIn, all these sites have fucked me over in multiple ways than one, and I’ve all but just ditched them because: If I’m not getting any use case out of this shit, then I don’t give too fucks about those sites. So like if anything, I’m a very heavy research person if you ask me, research is everything to me, I think it’s because I have a form of personal agency that I have to abide by, because now in days, you can’t always trust everything said by AI or by fucks on the internet, and I remember originally, I was working on like, getting myself to like, work on getting a VGen Account Set Up and stuff, because my original plan was for me to work on getting onto that, since I didn’t like Upwork, Contra, Fiverr, etc., for separate reasons… only to find out that VGens Checkmark System is ass.

I plan on doing other things, like setting up an Etsy account, or some other derivative, running a Proboards, doing like a podcast, making a manga on Tapas, but if anything, to me, research is key. Anyways, that’s enough of my personal grievances as a designer that, now in days the modern designer may or may not go through. When I was originally doing graphic design, the idea was for me to design layouts, and have another job on the side that had nothing to do with graphic design, like something more hardworking, like something in trade (Possibly after I decide to enlist into the Navy) but what happened was that: AI came into the fray, and now everyone that subscribes to the AI shit is a bitch. The college I had first went to, IU, first was sending me like a bunch of laptops, saying that I could get the windows ten laptop that I had gotten years ago and shit, which was a hunk of junk, and then they would send me an old version of apples MacBook, I believe it was the 12-inch MacBook for free, I think my brother has it now, he stole it from me, and I would also be getting a free version of the Adobe Creative Suite for free. It would then shut down, and I never ended up getting that stuff, until again in MIU, but it was temporarily.

I was using that shit, and like making my portfolio on Spark (Now Adobe Portfolio), on Behance, and… Nothing spoke to me. Then I was moving to other places, and trying out those other places, like Wix, SquareSpace, WordPress, and there were even other website builders I’ve tried, like Bluehost, Godaddy, Webflow, Weebly, DesignModo, GoogleSites and every time I’ve like ran a website builder… I was always disappointed. When I did fucking Adobe Spark, or Behance, I was disappointed. When I did social media, I was always disappointed, nothing worked. So I ended up going from all of those website building websites, previous to me going to Neocities was WordPress, to just, going back into my grassroots in learning code all the way back in school, and just learning how to code again. People have told me for years, for like a decade previous that: You’re way better off going to those websites, and building a website all on your own and shit, and every time I have, I’ve felt dissatisfied, and not fulfilled in the slightest by what they’ve told me, and spending money on shit like that, only hampers the actual individual into actually doing shit that they should be doing in life. This was a thing, up until I was in college, to where, I was the only outlier saying that: Code is way better to use, rather than using web builders, because of my experience, and that, if you really want to build a website from the ground up, just learn how to code.

Now in days, it’s too easy to just: figure out how to learn how to code, and I plan on making a video at some point in the future, giving legit recourses, and websites, actively teaching people as an anchor point of where to go to learn how to code. Now in days, I don’t have contact with most of the people that I knew back in school, so telling them that stuff again wouldn’t really matter anymore if you ask me, but if anything, I’ve kind of just learned overtime that: sometimes you can be right on something, if you know what it is that you’re doing and if you put the time and research into it. I’ve said it before, I don’t know how long I may sit here in NeoCities for, but if you ask me, after what happened with the recent thing with like a good half of the internet being down because AWS’s being down for a bit, I could probably look into backups for the time being, especially since NeoCities runs on AWS’s. I don’t know, my journey when it came to building a website came back to what I was harping to people for years to just: learn how to code, and everyone complained about “how hard it would be to learn code” and learning code really isn’t that hard, especially since you can just, do it as a hobby, and write down notes, and there’s literally free web services out there that can teach you how to learn some of the most basic code for free, you just gotta do the work is all.

The original design of the site was meant to be more dynamic, and was actually meant to be more towards the idea of it being that, but simplistic in function, and was gonna add in a sort of skater, grunge sort of background that would abruptly change every couple of seconds, and all that, because that’s what I grew up with and stuff, and then I just said “Nah… This is too much, even for me.” So I just decided to go for the change, because it was a lot more simpler, and easier for me to handle. It’s not to say that I don’t like the new, post, Y2K look that a lot of people are going for and all that, I just personally think that: I want something a little more simple. I do miss older forms of design however, I would rather harp on older designs, rather than the new ones, especially the ones we had in the mid to late 2010s, those designs were… god awful, I really do like the designs of Jet Set Radio, and it’s spiritual successor. I wanted to be more “anti” in terms of designing the website, and then I just got tired of being anti, and now I don’t really want to do that, when I just prefer a more simpler layout for the website, that just gets the point across. That was basically the whole design philosophy of it, and why I decided to create, and then recreate scrapheap, because the original design was to mock the fact that I was trying to find work from newspaper companies, and then I just, all but moved on from that point, and now everyone that consumes the news, consumes it on their phone, or their computer, etc., like, it would just be stupid to have that whole design of just me mocking the past, to still be a thing, when I can just move on from that point; that shit happened when I was 22, I’m 25 as of posting this blog now.

What's up with you and social media?

I’ve had a more… stringent form of what I view social media as. I don’t think a lot of what people on social media really understand the usage of social media very much, especially when you get towards a lot of the younger and older age brackets, but I grew up at a point to where, I naturally was at a point in my lifetime to where: social media wasn’t a thing, until it did become a thing in the beginning. I think my first ever form of social media exposure was when I held a Facebook account, that I had when I was around… 11? Then I ended up trying to expand myself to Twitter, and then Tumblr, etc., and now, most of what we know as the surface web, is basically social media, ~~and now there’s different forms of the surface web, tailored for certain people, like how the Fediverse is a thing, or how the Pediverse is a thing.~~ I don’t hold many social media accounts, and when I do, it’s mostly on art, or it’s where I go onto like chat-sites or forum sites like how you used to back in the day, and just, chat up a storm, or post my art on social media; I did not like social media for what it gave at the time, because I felt that it was eating up my time on things that, I generally would have preferred for other things that are more important, like at the time, going out to like parks, and learning to be more social and the do’s and dont’s on some shit or whatever.

Now in days, I’ve genuinely closed myself to places that, I do research on, and know that they can work, rather than constantly expand to places that: at one point yes, they were big and grand, and all that, only for their names to be forgotten by the zeitgeist from way back when, like musical.ly, Vine, Friendster, AOL, Yik Yak, Google+, iTunes Ping, Miiverse, Meerkat, Periscope, Omegle, Scuttlepad, so.cl, Stickam, Windows Live Messenger/Spaces, Yahoo 360º/Answers/GeoCities, Kickstart/Mash/Messenger/Meme, and there’s so many more web services out there that I remember looking into, that people just, don’t seem to remember anymore.

This is also why I don’t expand to other forms of social media, because now it’s revolved around the main couple of forms of social media, like: Facebook, WhatsApp, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, Telegram, Messenger, Snapchat, Viber, Reddit, Spotify, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Threads, Vimeo, Twitch, Discord, Line, Rumble, Twitter, because either I have already been on those sites, and own an account, or I’ve all but dipped because, I didn’t want to have to deal with the amount of fucking bullshit that those forms of social media hold. Even like newer social media, like BlueSky, I’m against using, because I knew right away that the only reason as to why Bluesky is even a thing is because:

Politics and because politics allows people who shouldn’t have a voice to have one, like the recent people out there talking shit about Charlie Kirks Death~~, or Pedophiles~~ as an example.

I've had a history back in the day, to which I can admit to now, to where I was an edgy teenager, or young adult, saying stuff that I look back at and go "I would never do that again, because that stuff is just wrong." and now with the degree that I have, I'm choosing to move on from my past, not tarnish what I have now, and just move on with my life and do what's right for me in the end. I don't own a BlueSky account, and I don't plan on getting one,...

...purely for the fact that: It's basically Twitter 2017 to where you'll find the worst denizens of society, posting stuff that realistically, should be reported by the FBI. I do have like what... most of the social media accounts you'll find that's owned by Meta, or by Alphabet, and other companies, like Youtube, Facebook, but I'm never on there, and even recently as of posting this, I've had to look into some of what I've posted on those websites... I came to the realization that: outside of scrapheap, I don't really post all that much, and when I do, I try to scrub all that I can or explain myself in the best way possible, to prevent any sort of like issues in the future with the public.

Another thing I've noticed a lot is the dichonomy of social media, and how negative social media is to the developing mind. Social Media is both a blessing and a curse, depending on how you use it and who you talk to, and the main reason as to why I say this is because: I've either had or own multiple forms of social media last I checked, and a lot of the time that I've jumped onto social media, there have been people that, for a lack of a better word: should not be on social media for any sort of reason whatsoever, regardless of their life position.Good examples can from: 2017 Twitter when Tumblr Purged all it's porn off of it's platform, I remember years ago in college, I got this one guy on another guys stream telling me a story of how one of his friends used to work for Tumblr during the purge, and it was so bad that, they had to cycle people in and out of the job every 6 months, because the stuff people would post on there is THAT bad; mind you, 2017 Twitter is only a thing because of the Tumblr Purge, and horrible degends of society that were recorded onto that platform moved to Twitter, and were putting up '.mega' links, to skirt around the user guidelines of Twitter, thus posting things that should not be on Twitter, Before social media, there were forums that people would go onto that were just, horrible to say the least. Of all Countries as of recent, Australia even banned Social Media for children under the ages of 16. I'm not against it, nor for it, I just vehemently believe that: if you want to go on the internet, your way better off being anon if you want to go out of your way to find information out on the internet, or to converse with people on the internet, but under no means should you ever use social media platforms and their extensions, like Facebook + Messenger, Facebook + WhatsApp, Snapchat, X/Twitter, Reddit, Discord, etc., instead, just use what you have on hand, like Apple Messenger, Android/Google Messages, Samsung Messages, etc., you realistically should not be finding like a messaging app with the clear and expressed purpose of hanging out with your friends when basically Android and Apple essentially just give that to you for free, and if you REALLY are wanting an app that is P2P Encrypted, I wouldn't even suggest Telegram, because they have a history of screwing over their userbase for reasons that could hurt them in the long run, if you wanted to, you could just get an App like SimpleX, Signal, Threema, Keybase, etc., if you're REALLY helbent on like the government not taking away your freedom or rights away from you. Too even preface, I'm not against the Australian Parliment doing what they're doing, I think that if it helps children from adapting, after taking away their binkie, then it'll help them become adults later on in the long run, I just don't agree to the idea that governments, regardless of their level, are going to limit how much you're on social media, by asking for your government issued ID, because within tech, once you have the persons information, instead of constantly asking for the persons ID, you should be able to pull it up from your database folders, and look at their information, since it's readibly available right then and there for you.

Like, asking for ID repeatedly just means the government is trolling/ragebaiting the average citizen, and tbh, i wouldn't be surprised if there was like a world-wide revolt against governments because they "censored the internet". To even add this towards the end here: If you give a child, or a teen a form of uncensored, unmodderated internet, with no parental guidance on how to run the internet whatsoever, You're already fucking up! It's already been shown with the whole Roblox Situation with members like Schlep, Ruben Sim despite the fact that I don't agree with everything he says or does, and others that, if there's already like a "kids" version of the same exact app, or they're going onto the app, with 0 supervision under your wing, they're going to get exploited no matter what you do. It's not just a social media thing, that's always been a thing on the internet, and was worse back in the wild-western days of the internet. There's a lot of E2EE chats out there like the ones I just mentioned earlier, and internet forums to where children on the deeper parts of the web can get exploited, and in the end of the day, I'll put it to you like this... IF you want to give your child any form of an internet connection to where they can go out and do whatever the fuck is that they want, you either:

1. Don't give it to them until they're like... 16-18, or

2. You monitor the shit they do like a fucking hawk, and you look into what they're doing, and IF you see something sus, or something horrible happen to them while on the intenret, talk to them, let them know what's up, and IF you have to report it to the FBI or something, get as much information as you can about that person, before reporting it, and then report it, if possible.

I grew up on the internet, seen it change from Web 1, when we had the Browser Wars (When people would wage war against which browser is the best, Firefox Mozilla, Netscape, Internet Explorer, Opera, Safari, etc.), Web 2, when everyone had Adobe Flash Reader, Flash, Microsoft Silverlight, ActiveX, Oracle Java, QuickTime, Windows Media, etc., to how it is now with Web 3, where big tech companies own just about a majority of the Web, like Google, Meta, Amazon AWS, etc., with everything being decentralized for greater privacy, security, etc., to now how everything is being replaced with Web 4, now with AI going into the fray even though I would argue that we're in Web 3 still, because companies are only using AI to make the most profits, while no one is really buying into anything AI related, under Web4, I was there during the internets times to where, I wasn't able to fully grasp what was going on in the internet, with it expanding and evolving fast, but I will say this much: there have been a lot of things I've seen, that I wish I had never seen in my life, and it was purely because my parents weren't looking over me as I looked at whatever was on social media, or on darker websites. You can never "trust" your child to be "mature and understanding" enough to not go on websites that they're not supposed to go onto, when they're like 6, and you should realistically be giving them something like a DS, or a modern day emulation console akin to like iiSU's DS-like software. I'll put it to you like this: I am way less inclined to go on the internet now in days as I've grown up now, and would rather buy things that, require me to not be on the internet, rather than be on it, because in the end of the day, the internet cannot accurately show you real life experiences, as they happen to you right in front of your eyes.

Like, I knew right away BlueSky was not going to be the “Twitter alternative” there’s never going to be a twitter alternative. It’s like how all these other sides say that they’re going to be like the “[insert name here] alternative” and I’ve only seen maybe a few that I don’t mind sticking to. Cara for example, is a good, Glaze alternative to Instagram, since AI is rampant on the internet, and I’ve either had ArtStreet for like near a decade and never did anything with it, or everything else I just plan on running in the near future. I just prefer things to be: less mainstream, and more underground, because I don’t enjoy the modern, mainstream shit I see on the internet now in days, since the most I see that I like that is considered mainstream, that I’ve had for more than a decade at this point now is my YouTube Channel. I morally keep myself to places to where its more underground, out of choice, because I’m aware that I will say shit that people may or may not like, and that’s okay, but I’m 100% aware that if I say just: One bad thing, people are just gonna cry and complain about that shit, and tell me to like “watch what I say on the internet.”, like no one’s ever heard of a fucked up joke before, lol.

What do you plan on doing in the meantime?

In the meantime? The original idea I had was to upload videos and stream and all that, but as of late… I’ve been having a war with my dad about this and he’s told me not to on multiple occasions, and here’s the thing, if YouTube is how it was around 10 years ago or so, then me streaming and doing YouTube and all that could have worked, sure… But something rang to me towards the fact that, I can’t keep doing YouTube because:

• It’s not really rewarding creators and making it easier for creators to really gain that much of a following, unless you blow up doing like essentially a glorified top 10 video or you make like several hour videos of like something that’s meant to make people go to sleep, that’s like a HUGE thing on YouTube that blows up now in days on YouTube, or that you make a howto video or a very informative video on a game that you’re playing or something that a lot of people are interested in… or you just get paid by Mr. Beast to make Top 5 clips of whatever subject, or you make something AI related… (Youtube CEO Neal Mohan has been running youtube mostly with AI in mind, trying to push stuff to users and creators, trying to make it more related towards AI videos, and brainrot, and I'm of the honest to god opinion to where: YouTube is being ruined by shit like that, and it's leading to most people out there, not wanting to continue doing youtube as a way of seeking income with all the changes they make, making it more of a detriment to actual creators that want to actually do something with their lives, that don't rely on them having to seek other major ways of making main forms of income, like with me for example, but it's leading people to be less and less inclined to want to use youtube as a platform, and more likely to just go out and do something else, other than just watch a youtube video that's made in the modern day because of $$$, and not actually focusing on the community and what makes youtube great, <- I am not sorry if you click that, yes that is Labubu, no I didn't not watch it, if you need eyebleach, get it yourself; at first it was the fucking boxes of people saying who this person is, with the AI voice on "Why this person is a bad person", not explaining in great detail as to why, just explaining the generalist shit, and now as of posting, it's like the level shit, with like the stripped colors for infants going like "In level one, we're going to explain..", which is the same exact bullshit, there's no difference, just the way the format and design is done is different, but the format overall stays the fucking same, lol, and that's just one example of where they do the "top ten" format, but different).

My dad is trying to paint it as a “quantity over quality” thing, and while it works for him, the problem with me is that: As much as he is my harshest critic on things, there have been many reports in the past to where, people get so stressed out making videos, and streaming so much that, they literally have to stop making videos in some cases for their own mental, emotional, and physical health, and some have literally died in these cases, because it was so much of a tole on their health, that they ultimately died from it. I have to really look into my current blog posts, and my past ones and really try and scrub some things I may say here and there, because, I’ve been noticing what I’ve been saying as of late has kind of been… yeah… but to say it in short, my original plan was to go into freelance, and develop a bunch of projects, and add all of that to my portfolio and all that, but lately, I haven’t really been wanting to do that because of what’s been going, especially with my father trying to tell me how to run my YouTube channel… mainly that, and I’ve had enough experience in my past to where, I’ve worked in food and retail as a civilian, and it has not worked out for me because: I’ll find a job > stay with it for a couple of months > Drama in the workplace ensues > I go out and find another job > I find that job, rinse and repeat, you get the picture. This is also to say that: I have not been able to find a job for what I had studied years ago, because, everyone currently in the economy is so reluctant on hiring people with degrees that, for the past 10+ years, the degree has been shown to be meaningless to employers and what they really want to see is whether or not you have the level of experience to back up your degree.

Nobody when I was growing up was telling me this, and everyone when I was in college was expecting me to have some level of experience of work for what I had studied for, but get this:

• I find help from multiple sources, one of my “grandpa’s” daughters, my uncle, a person my father picked up, and they either ghost me, they get people who say that they’re “reluctant to hire me” or they accuse me of being something that I’m not, I get utterly repulsed, and I refuse to talk to them going forward, because What The Fuck…

This has culminated towards the fact that, we were all planning on going to Las Vegas sometime next year, then my father ended up getting his car impounded, then his car was taken back AGAIN by KIA, and now we have to wait two more years for us to even make an attempt to go to Vegas. I sat down for a while, thinking “I’m in my 20s, mid twenties to be exact… My early twenties was spend trying to find a job that I studied for, that I couldn’t find, that I need to build up the portfolio for, but since I have nothing in my portfolio, no one is going to hire me, especially since scammers on indeed, and “evergreen” listings exists… Everything is going against me, and there’s not a lot I can do, except go back into food and when I’m on my days off, just work on doing a bunch of freelance shit to add to my portfolio and hope that I can get something.”, and then I came to the conclusion recently that… having too much of something is a bad thing, and in this case it’s freedom. What I mean by this is that: If I wanted to, and if I could do so, if my body could allow me to do so, which I’m doubtful of, I could go back into food and retail and do all of that, but the problem is that, I would have to be in such a limited time crunch all the time to where: I would practically have little to no life outside of the internet, and as much as I want to do manga, and YouTube, the problem is that, YouTube has a massive AI problem, and Manga in the US is only just becoming a thing, and it’s only because the younger generation, mostly my generation is making it into somewhat of a big thing, with Manhua also being discovered by westerners, and I’m mostly into Manga, and a lot of the time, I just can’t really see myself doing some of the manga I planned on doing so for… other reasons. Anyways, it’s similar to how, on YouTube with my father, how he wants to implement so much stress onto me about developing good YouTube videos, with manga, if it’s freelance, it’s also so stressful to the point that, I realistically could see myself doing it… if I was like old, or middle age, but I’m no where near that age yet.

The thing with it is this, I’m not in a position in my life to where I can find someone that’s willing to put me in a position to work on doing graphic design, because, this kind of stuff I planned on doing for freelance, will not land me anywhere, since westernized companies would prefer for me to not do something thats more foreign to them, even though that’s something I’m interested in. I’ve had in the past, people come up to me, ask me for personal things like my Social Security, my Credit Card info, what printer I have, etc., and I’ll say this right away: always question that shit, and get defensive about it, because that’s obviously a scam. I’ve applied to many “evergreen” listings, that have not landed me shit because I’m not “the perfect candidate.”, even though I don’t believe companies can dictate a certain thing like that, but that’s just me. I had to think about this long and hard, because originally, I was very reluctant, and unsure about joining, but then I recently made videos on my channel under Ruthless Speaks to where, I had remembered and mentioned that, my mother took away the internet away from me because I was planning on enlisting at 14-17, and she prevented me from doing so, and I come to find out that the reason was because she had taken my social security and embezzled money out of it for her own benefit and forced me to sign papers to get me to allow that to happened, and no matter how much I fought, there was nothing I could do because it was under the guise of “She’s my mother.”, which is the most fucking idiotic argument ever. Now, what’s my plan? I plan on enlisting towards the United States Navy, and go up in ranks from a E-3/4 Mass Communications Specialist - Graphic Illustrator Journeyman, to an O-6 Public Affairs Officer.

My father has told me, because I had to admit it recently on thanksgiving that: I plan on enlisting to the Navy, and he’s told me not to, because of his experiences in the Army, and how he’s gone to war, and went to Afghanistan with Mountain Division, and at that time, he had seen the atrocities of war that has lead him to get PTSD, and has said to “not do it.”, and even recently as yesterday, I’ve tried to communicate with him in a texted format, for him to have to read on what’s been going on with me as of late, and I’ve just said in TL;DR all of this, and he didn’t want to read it because “It would take me forever to read that” and to “just talk to me”, and he came to conclusion mid conversation that day that: I want to go out and find another job. I talk to my uncle and my dad about it, he’s one of the two that told me to enlist, and my mother is telling me to go ahead and do it, because you’ll succeed, and be proud and you’ll live your life, and that’s what I want to do, I still want to do what I studied. The YouTube, Kick stuff, I’m not entirely interested in anymore, and I’m not confident that I should continue, or that it’ll even work under his watch. Before it was burn out, now it’s: I’m not interested, and I’m not confident in general that it’ll work in the long term, because then I’ll be too old to want to live with my parents, and I don’t want to be a failure in my parents basement, just wasting away, and not succeeding in life, I want to succeed. I have other interests and I still want to do what I studied, and I’m just saying, if I have to change myself and change my way of life, then that’s what I gotta do in life man, that’s all. I still want to go and do graphic design, I still want to be more, I want to be better than what I have right now, but this… with the way things are, I’m just saying, I still want to do what I studied, and if people aren’t hiring me, then it’s not my fault, but I gotta do something for myself in the end. What I had experienced while I was working in food and Retail as a Civilian is that: I would be working for a company, I would be serving people food, and then people would just tweak the fuck out whenever they didn't get their shit, and "you have to serve them no matter the cause, because that's the end mission in the end of the day" and I saw that and was like "So you're someone elses bitch is what you're telling me?", and then they would tell me "No no no no no no, you're just serving them is all you're doing." and I still iterpreted that as "So you're just re-iterating to me that: you are someone elses bitch, even though I'm your bitch? It's bitch-ception, what the fuck?", and I really didn't like that, with the colmination of: how I had to listen to my employers every word, but then they would change their wording around, making me fucking confused, and flabbergausted and shit, not telling it to me straight, which I absolutely fucking hated; my father, which i 100% with a 1,000%, with a 1,000,000,000% understand what he tells me with not enlisting and all that, but I want to do what I studied, I did so much research about the Navy and what it is that I want to do, and i'm very helbent on enlisting, purely for the fact that, with enlistment, I can do what I want to do, given the position as a Mass Communication Specialist and with becoming an Officer, I would instead be a Public Affairs Officer, which are similar, but the work I would be doing for the most part in either or postiion would be vastly different.

I think I'm only explaining myself here because, I would prefer to work before I get to my successful point in life, because it just means that: I earned my way through life, and it is 100% something that my father, and step-mother have showed and taught me, and in my past, I have done exactly that. I've worked in food, and retail, and worked my damdest, only to be left with shit in my hand and nothing else after getting fired or quitting the job multiple times, after finding out the level of stability, and security that job does have, and finding out that: I can't push myself towards accountability and self control this way, and it's what lead me to believe that: this is the only way I'm going to do things the right way. Most of my family members, my dad, and uncles that I can think of, have enlisted into the Army, and are either still currently in it, or have retired years ago, and... they're doing just fine, if not better than I am right now, and I'm just like "Why can't I do that? Nothing's stopping me but me.". I'm a very objective-mission based person, if I want to do something, I fucking do it, and I don't think much about it after the fact, all I care about is that I did the shit, and that's it. I was never the kind of person to be "Flexable" about shit I just don't care about, I just do my work, and that's it, and I like to do what I want to study; I would never think about enlisting if I didn't have my degree and the fire and push for me to have to do my degree, I would never do it for any other reason. I'm only planning on enlisting, purely for me, and nothing but me, but also because I want to make my parent's proud for myself, and to morally put myself first, and make myself proud for myself as well. I'm not saying this as a way to disrespect my parents or anyone else, I just have to work on me, me and me alone and no one else, and do what I have to do to focus on the objective. That's just how that is in life, you don't always get what you want right away, and the only thing you have to think about is you in the end.

I'll see if i can explain the whole student loan forgiveness thing about me in my position about it, and what I can do for myself to get myself out of loan debt in another blog as reference, but in the meantime, I got some things to do. See ya guys later...